My Plan for Peace on Earth



I have a plan, a doable plan to bring peace everywhere. A bold claim flawless in it's logic, more visionary than all the political leaders of all the countries (not hard) and fun to boot. I developed this plan while I was flying over Scottsdale, Arizona. Lots and lots of swimming pools was all I could see. You need one piece of information before I get you to drink the kool-aid. Half of the fresh water in the world is in Canada. I read it years ago when the internet was known as books. I strongly suggest you invest in anything swimming pool related now.

Here goes step by step

  1. Fix hockey. I have some surefire ways to get the NHL back to its glory. First, no team can be in a city where ice does not occur naturally. Sorry Tampa, San Diego and Phoenix. Second, move the net away from board. A little more room in the "office".  Third, puck is live when a fights break out. Go ahead fight but see how happy your fans are when your team gets scored on. Fight on, game on.
  2. Become President of the United States. How hard can it be?
  3. Invade Canada. Trust me this will be easy. Not like " we will be greeted as liberators" easy. For real easy. How do I know? See step 1. I fixed hockey, the Canucks love me. I'll do it on a Saturday night when they are all watching Hockey Night in Canada on CBC. Why invade Canada? Weapons of mass desruction? Maybe but I don't care. Are they harboring terroists and evildoers? Probably but again, I don't care. They have half of the fresh water in the world and I want it.
  4. Start building swimming pools at every house near the equator. There is not enough water in those desert countries to build swimming pools. Who is holding all the water? The same greedy folks that have all those oil tankers coming over everyday. We are just gonna fill them with water and sell it back. The ultimate world economy stimulation package. The reason people are always fighting is not God. All are pretty much the same. Love people like me, hate everyone else and I'll give you a present when you die. Not sooner--you must die first to get the present. It's the heat. They are tired hot cranky and a little itchy. Peaceful countries are in more temperate climates, crazy people who are always pissy seem to be closer to the equator. North Korea is the odd man out here but really all they do is say they are going to do something. Like a stoned roommate " someday I'll". Sure you will. This is why you should follow my investment advice.
  5. Watch peace happen. This is the fun part. When the angry folks are ready to start up another of their mindless quarrels it gets postponed. " Oh so sorry , no fighting today my son is having a pool party for his 6th grade class. Maybe tomorrow" And so it goes, no one has the time. Just like in Scottsdale between work and cooling off there is no time left to fight. Awesome!